awake.again.

I am awake again.

This feeling of being an insomniac is killing me. I find that it might be a punishment for the bad things I have done. They say the guilty cannot sleep. “Sleep no more! Macbeth hath murdered sleep.”

I struggle to be brave everyday. Sometimes I offend without thinking and I am afraid I am pushing my friends farther and farther from me. It is so hard to be nice. I always thought I was a nice person, but now maybe circumstances have shown that I am not naturally like that.

It feels too hot. I don’t understand why the new pillow my parents bought feels so hard under my head. My head feels heavy. Maybe it isn’t the pillow.

Maybe its just my thoughts that are weighing me down.

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figuring it out

it has always been the question of what I want to do after i graduate. even after years of education that is supposed to guide me to my dream career, or at least give an inkling of what it could be, i am still unsure. often times i say what other people want to hear, attempting to convince them and myself that i actually have some sort of direction.

truth be told, lying has never been so painful.

the three legs

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every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging.

it has to be grounded on accepting each other as you are, each other’s personalities and flaws, each other’s weaknesses and strengths.

at the same time supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs, those moments of sadness and hurt.

finally, on challenging each other to become more, to grow and flourish, to enable the other person to become a better person, to learn from each other, and to learn from the world.

which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?

too much starbucks

the fan on my ceiling is unbelievably loud. the deafening whir of its blades remind me of how much alive i am.

i am trying to resist the urge to charge out with a fury, brandishing my flamethrower to exterminate the many insects in the forest outside my window. they mock at my desperation to fall asleep. and in my waking moments i am missing someone very much.

remind me never again to drink starbucks at night.

Bonjour

Sitting on my bed contemplating life. My thoughts are anxious, full of the many things left incomplete. Every day I wonder if I am treating people right and every night I wonder if I am likeable enough. It was never for me, but was always for them – these people in the world I want to please. The fear of trust, and the constant worrying about little and big events that have the ability to change me haunts my soul. Am I deserving of love? Am I loving enough?

French classes are about to start. This is one of the many things I want to do for myself. But still I am disappointed, because I have yet to get a job.

The multitude of things I have to do is overwhelming.

blue screen of death

my desktop has decided to throw a really bad tantrum, threatening me with the blue screen of death. i am deeply bothered by how technology, or just my computers in general have all decided to hold a strike against me recently. 

i reckon that’s a bit unappreciative since all i ever did was shower them with love.

i’m home alone now as my parents have decided that leaving me to get my dinner 8 out of 7 days a week would be a nice joke. and then i tried to be productive, vowing to finish watching two law lectures today but alas, the world is against me. 

life is such a mystery sometimes. every other day when i’m busy doing things my parents want me home, but when i’m finally home i get to stare at four white walls.

home? where is home?