how do i change my theme back

Listening to music on Spotify is the most soothing thing ever, especially when the songs permeate your whole room and you are left with the most joyful sensation that only music can bring. 

Would have felt so much happier if a) I did not have a test tomorrow and b) I did not change my blog theme by mistake.

I hate the balloons at the top. I am not that joyful of a person. Also squinting at the font makes my head hurt. 

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my messed up mentality

As much as I want to be that person who is genuinely nice, the fact of the matter is, I am not.

I think badly about people all the time. The first thing that comes to my mind is ALWAYS something negative and the worst part of that is, it is purely critical and based on something stupid like looks.

Example: ” SHE IS SO UGLY.” And then another part of my brain argues “OMG WHY ARE YOU BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL, HER PERSONALITY IS LIKE GOLD.” And that same, stupid, judgemental part starts again with “BUT OMG SHE’S UGLY. Poor thing. I feel sorry for her.”

These thoughts are never spoken out loud but the fact that I actually think them makes me ashamed.

Am I inherently mean?

I feel sad, because I do not want to be this kind of person.

reflections

i am glad that you are finding happiness.

we were never meant to be anyway,  and words cannot express how glad i am that i am no longer stuck in that limbo.

instead i am happy for the experience because it only taught me more about my priorities in life. there is something to learn from everything, especially in the hardest situations.

so, thank you.

a big salsa no-no

cuban-salsa

Had the most amazing fun yesterday at Salsa which was taught by my Venezuelan friend. This was my first class and so many mistakes were committed. The boys outweighed the girls 2 to 1 so they had to stand around waiting for partners while the girls had to do a rotation.

The basic steps were quite simple but I got confused when it came to the twirling. I also had a bit of difficulty catching the Spanish terms. There was something about a hammerlock, and BTL. Or a BLT. Or a BLR?

While going rounds, I had a feeling I was speed dating. 1 minute, hi 10, SWITCH. I went jumping from one guy to the next, my face flushed, and my hair looking like it had been tossled by a hurricane. Frankly, I felt overwhelmingly awkward, especially because each guy expected something different from me and I was falling all over the place.

I must have stared at my feet 90 percent of the time because

A) It was too awkward staring into my partner’s eyes (which he forced me to do at one point. His eyes were the clearest blue, but…still awkward)

B) I have the apparent inability to multi task and therefore staring at our feet was the only way I could keep in step. (I still remember brown pointy shoes, dark black shoes and many other men’s shoes)

Salsa, is apparently about having the guy as the lead, and the girl as the follower. Obviously my ‘enthusiasm’ was quite unnecessary and I failed being a follower because I said “okay let’s go” to my partner even before he was ready to go. He replied “No, you follow me. I say when to go”. Oops.

Another lesson I learned at the expense of my poor partner is that counting and following steps are not applicable to all guys! One must instead feel the music and follow where the guy leads.

Some partners took their time with the twirling, some partners weren’t concerned with the steps and sequence and some just insisted on making conversation with me while I was desperately trying to keep up with the music. Also a certain swedish man said I was “standing too close” but he “like(d) it”. Ehem. Kind of creepy. He was actually one of the few who did not look irritated with me HAHA.

I am so much better at hip hop.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Today wasn’t a very good day. I missed my tutorial in the morning. My Professor thankfully didn’t mind, but I felt upset nonetheless. It would have been okay if I actually spent the day at home productively. But now it is 9.47pm and I am here blogging instead of doing my work!

I am also feeling shitty from the lack of exercise.

These are the promises  that I will make to myself.

1. No Facebook the whole of next week until I complete my work

2. Get out of the house if you cannot study at home!! Do it in school!

Get your shit together Stephanie. You need to this. You have to. Get your work right.

Also I have been getting pretty close with a bunch of guys from school and I genuinely like hanging out with them.  But you know, one shouldn’t base one’s happiness on one’s friends. I’ve been ditched by my friends too many times and before I met them, I sort of learned to depend on my self. If I want to join an activity, I do it because I want to, and I don’t need company to do that.

It’s a scary experience I guess, that first step that you take to put yourself into a completely new and awkward situation. But yeah, I am going to do it, because relying on people just ends up in disappointment.

Is this even the right mindset?

Dear Europe, when will I be able to see you again?

Image

It has been 6 years since I was in Europe. It was a short 10 days but I still remember it being one of the best times of my life.

I knew then that I might possibly never have a chance to return, but somewhere deep inside of me, I convinced myself that I had the ability to scrape together enough money to go again. I do not think that is a far off dream, once I start working of course.

The only problem with this vision, is that instead of patiently waiting until I get enough money (via working), I have the urge to go now. I want to go when I am young, and free from all the possible worries and burdens of work, of deadlines, competition or politics.

I want to fully enjoy the beautiful architecture, the fields, the greenery, the culture and people. I want to travel around and see the wonders of the world with absolutely nothing at the back of my mind. It is hard to do that when you are working because when you go on a holiday, all you can think about is the pile of work that is endlessly accumulating back home. And thus, how are you able to enjoy yourself?

I wonder if I am able to scrape together enough money to go on a short holiday in December. Or should I just give up and take up a random job instead to save up for my graduation trip (which might not even come true).

I have been trying to live vicariously through all the international student friends I have made, and that has at least managed to satisfy my thirst for travel in some way. But it is always good to experience another country and soak it in first hand than merely through stories.

So dear Europe, when will I be able to see you again?