my messed up mentality

As much as I want to be that person who is genuinely nice, the fact of the matter is, I am not.

I think badly about people all the time. The first thing that comes to my mind is ALWAYS something negative and the worst part of that is, it is purely critical and based on something stupid like looks.

Example: ” SHE IS SO UGLY.” And then another part of my brain argues “OMG WHY ARE YOU BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL, HER PERSONALITY IS LIKE GOLD.” And that same, stupid, judgemental part starts again with “BUT OMG SHE’S UGLY. Poor thing. I feel sorry for her.”

These thoughts are never spoken out loud but the fact that I actually think them makes me ashamed.

Am I inherently mean?

I feel sad, because I do not want to be this kind of person.

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