I have lost count of the number of times I have welled up in tears today. This morning on Facebook I saw that one of my friends who have been in the same clique has gotten into the Dean’s List. The first emotion that hit me was jealousy. Why could she, who had the looks and the luxury to eat whatever she wanted and never got fat, who had a boyfriend and a wonderful family, who did not have to work for her allowance and the liberty to shop and buy whatever she wanted, who had her parents willing to sponsor her graduation trip for her, could add one more achievement and blessing to the list, to be the top 5 percent in the cohort for that semester.
Why not me?
The second emotion that hit me was anger. She had never talked about her results and she had always said that her results were worse than mine. It was unfair and I felt that I had been lied to for four years of my life.
Later on I discovered that getting on the Dean’s list was possible every semester as long as you fulfilled a certain amount of MCs and basically got all As. It wasn’t cumulative, so it might have been that she worked really hard last semester.
In Novena mass it was really coincidental that the priest would be talking about jealousy in terms of school results. I have always known that god would be looking out for me and he always tries to give me messages that are applicable to my life in anyway that he can.
The priest told us a story about a goat and a donkey. The goat was jealous of the donkey because he had more food. He thought that if the donkey could not work for the farmer anymore, it would receive less food. The goat pushed the donkey into a deep hole and the donkey got injured, but because the farmer wanted the donkey to get better faster, he killed the goat and have the goat’s food to the donkey.
The priest told us not to be jealous when we are making comparisons, because god created us all to be gifts. We all have purpose in us and we all are prized people in the eyes of god. There are some things we can do which others cannot, so do not feel inferior.
There is always this question of what did I do wrong?
What did I do wrong in my four years of University? Many things. I have also made many mistakes, all numerous and unforgivable. I have not tried my best in my studies because procrastination has always gotten the best of me. I have always focused on other things. My grades have only been crawling up (extremely slowly) these past few semesters and I do not know if I will eventually be able to get to the honours class I wanted by the end of this semester.
Do not give up Stephanie.
Do not be jealous of the achievements of others, but work EVEN harder to prove yourself.
It’s so depressing that this girl, has got the looks AND the brains. She got into DEANS LIST and me, who has taken the same courses as her, and the same everything. Ended up with a third class and struggling to pull myself up. It is SO extremely depressing. 😦
Frankly I am really scared about the progress of my dissertation. Progress is too slow and I am extremely inefficient. Work has also been weighing me down but I don’t know if it’s just me trying to make things difficult for myself by blaming it for my ineffiency or does the problem stem from only me?
I am scared. I haven’t been to see my professor since the exams started in November. People have done interviews and collected data in December and all I did was earn money and procrastinate some more. I prayed god will provide me with a solution . Let me be efficient please . Let me be able to complete everything by the end of this week and the end of Chinese New Year so that I can conduct my interview . I hope it’s not too late.
God I really need your help 😦
Talking to my friends today made me reflect a little about what my interests are.
I sort of know my plan of action after I graduate. First, I shall apply for a job in the place where I interned at. This place has a rigid lifestyle of working 8am to 6pm everyday for five days. I will have colleagues who speak mainly mandarin. I will be in a company that has a nice work culture, with an emphasis on extra curriculars. Life is rigid, and might be stressful at times, but the people I will be working with in the office will be nice and friendly. There isn’t much competition between working colleagues because we all have to work together to handle projects. I will test the waters for two years to see if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I do realise I have interest in international relations, international culture and writing. I admit, these are nothing more than interests. It seems ‘fun’ to do, but will it be lucrative? I do not know yet. I know I like to write, but how far will this interest bring me? Up to a point, I will become saturated.
Another thing I have been thinking about is how fun would it be to be able to create something specifically for youths, as I am still a youth myself. Many places in Singapore are designed by businessmen and architects who are well into their middle age. With regards to creating a space for youths, how much do they exactly know? Wouldn’t it be cool to be a youth advising a panel of older people into designing a space that is for my generation? That would be fun.
One of my goals in life is to be in the best shape of my life while I’m still young and active. It became one of my goals because I guess I was at a low point when I felt that the people around me that I trusted kept taking me for granted and letting me down all the time. Fitness was the only thing I could work towards that would make me happy and was not dependent on my circumstances or who was around me. It was all up to ME and it was a guaranteed result as long as I set my mind to it. At first the goal was superficial. I felt fat ( as many girls would feel) and wanted to lose weight. But as I adopted a healthier lifestyle, my direction shifted. Of course looking better was great, but I knew that as I got older, I would be less capable of working out as much and so I wanted to be in a place where I could maximise my youth by being the best of myself as much as I could. It was hard because people didn’t understand. I wasn’t blessed with a high metabolism and my family eats whatever junk they want and they still look okay. But it isn’t about looking okay, it’s about what was happening inside my body. I didn’t want to be putting junk inside anymore. It wasn’t necessarily about losing weight either. All I wanted was to be fit and healthy and do it the right way. These abs didn’t come easy. It was the result of maybe more than a years worth of working out EVERY single day without fail even when I was tired after school and work. It was a constant challenge to myself and I am by no means near my goal yet but I am glad that I have at least made it to this point. I am so much healthier and happier now.
Today I had my first lecture of my last semester in university . There was an exchange student sitting alone by himself near the front of the class . When class ended he didn’t go off straight away but lingered around for a bit. I could sense it. I could sense he wanted friends.
My friend and I went out of the lecture theatre to head towards the canteen. He walked straight towards me but I kept looking ahead. My ego was too blown up. I didn’t look at him because I wanted him to take the first step. I didn’t look at him because I was afraid my friend would judge me, even though I was with only one friend and the opportunity was perfect.
If I was in his shoes, I would be scared. First day of class and he had no one . Plus I was in the international student committee, why did I end up ignoring him? So stupid.