I have always been afraid of being open to people. I guess a part of it stems from the fact that I do not want to be vulnerable. I do not wish people to take pity on me or use what they know of me to take advantage of me.
My parents do not even know about the relationships I have had because I know that they would never understand. I have seen it happen to my brother. He might be able to take the judgement, but I cannot.
And it is better off that they keep thinking I am some unwanted soul that no one likes.
I could never pour my heart out to someone. There is always some part of my history which I am hesitant to talk about and that I would never feel comfortable to reveal.
There is this constant conflict between my loud and rowdy self and my quiet, introverted self. My friends see my fun and rowdy side. My parents only see the good. I feel suffocated when my friends and parents are in the same room. I do not know how to act.
I feel the constant pressure to maintain this perfect image of a daughter that they trust and love. I keep my school life and my life on social media as far away from my family as possible because my family judges all the time. They disapprove and they try to impose their views on me.
The less they know the better. I do not want to get into arguments with them because frankly, I am too exhausted to even do so.
Every night I am in a reflective mood. I think about all my mistakes, all the people I did not show appreciation to… I am suddenly full of courage and express myself more liberally and with less caution than I would in the day time.
Maybe it is the darkness of the night that I feel is keeping me safe, wrapping around me like a blanket so that no one sees the fear in my face.