Numb

I don’t know why I’m writing this here, but at this point in time, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel worry, I don’t feel a yearning for travel, I don’t feel anything. I admit, it is kind of strange. I think it’s strange, although I cannot feel it…that I am okay with just existing.

Emptiness

What is worse than feeling a sense of having underachieved?

It is the feeling of nothing at all. It’s a bit difficult to describe the feeling of feeling nothing. Somehow, I seem to have lost the will to do anything at all. Nothing excites me. I don’t feel sad, or happy, or hungry. I sit and watch videos in my bed the whole day.

Where are my goals? Where is my motivation? I have no motivation, and no feelings.

Where do I go from here?

Expectations

I notice how my mindset changes as I get older. Practicality overweighs personal interest. Often I wonder why we all fight so hard to lead the typical Singaporean life, a job, love and lots of children. Do these things mean more to us because everyone expects us to do it? Do we appreciate the values in these expectations of ourselves? It is desperation that is clouding our minds. It is the embarrassment of having to say no I still don’t have a job that I will end up with one that I do not like. And in that sense, am I truly living the life that I want to live or just merely doing what others expect me to do?

Goals lose their meaning when they are no longer mine.

My Mother Said

Today my mother told me that it was okay to not go into an industry I didn’t want to go into. And I was touched, because it meant a lot. It meant that she didn’t think I should be forced into something I am not interested in even though the student loans still exist and the prospect of being jobless is frightful.

Being Productive and Happy

Wallowing in self pity is of no use. Now I have time to myself which I can use for many things. If I miss school, I can take free online courses to educate myself. That’s the great thing about the internet. I remember how I went through a Harvard lecture series and educated myself on morality and philosophy when I had 6 months break between JC and Uni. There is no reason I can’t do the same now.

Maybe these accomplishments will help me sometime in the future. Always be positive Stephanie, always look to the future and believe there will be something good for you that is going to come very soon.