Isn’t life like being in a kayak?
We push off from the shore, row against the tide, constantly battling the waves. There is no time to rest. The farther out you are, the harder it is to find less choppy waves and relax in still waters. The waters aren’t still anymore.
I see my next point, my next goal, but somehow it always seem so far and unobtainable. The process of getting there is tiring, and I am rowing, rowing, rowing, hoping that one day I’ll get close.
5am coffee stains, cerebral pains and a bottomless pit of doubt.
I dislike you sometimes.
You, with your sense of entitlement, your nose upturned at those less privileged, “working class” as you call them – not worth your time because they are less,
Like you were once, “less”.
And that “lessness” turned into something more but more was never enough because you still craved the love that passed you by.
You try to detach yourself from the pain in the past that still gives you nightmares and 3 o’clock tears, sobbing without a reason – attention-seeking, self deprecating, a desire for what you think would be better for you, an independence and freedom.
“If I cannot have this love, then at least I have this.”
Time and time again you waltz with strange men, seduce them with your eyes, ravage the ones that are pure and leave them struggling, embarrassed, defeated..yet they still want you, the salty vixen who gives them bad dreams and offers them a damaged soul they cannot ever heal.
Yet they try.
And you just gulp them down like vodka, salt on the shot glass until they know nothing more.
I had the opportunity to go out to the morning market with my parents today. It is something that I have not done in a long time.
Somehow the array of vegetables on display seem to be of brighter colours than usual. I notice how there wasn’t a single “young” person my age around, supposedly because they would all be in their offices working, or in meetings. They were all old people, retirees, or people with more flexible work schedules. I wonder why it has to be this way.
The reason why I am able to go out like this, today, on a weekday is because I am on medical leave. But somehow, even when I am meant to be sleeping, I cannot sleep. Too many things are weighing on my mind, especially that of work. I was at the point of exhaustion yesterday, too tired to think, too tired to be proactive at all. There was just an overwhelming amount of work. I have never felt so frustrated in a long time.
I switched off the WIFI on my phone, but I am continually worried of what I will be faced with when I switch it on again. An onslew of messages, hundreds and thousands of them? Sure the project will still carry on without my presence, but the world feels too constrained and small at this moment in time, it feels like the weight of it all is crushing down on my shoulders.
I think it’s time to do some serious reflection on my life and prioritise what needs to be done.
“Choose the opportunities which bring the most joy to your heart. That is where your gifts lie.”
There are times when a change of direction is for your highest good. It takes courage to change direction. Choose the path your heart agrees with and walk with your head high and your eyes open. Don’t be afraid”.
These two quotes appeared today via the God Wants You To Know Application of Facebook. This is an affirmation for me to change my path, to change my job and lean towards something that I like more, culture and writing.
This is the affirmation and support that I need.
Thank you God for believing in me.
Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Today I am full of love for myself and my family. I worked out in the morning because I could and because I loved my body. I am showing appreciation for my friends, and I am accompanying my father to church because I love him and I love god. Today my goal is to show everybody I meet with love, and to give love as much as I can.
Reading through my old blog posts and wondering if some of my posts are considered offensive to some people. Of course some posts were written in a fit of anger, or disappointment. I may not necessarily feel the same way now, but if you think about it, at one point in time, at one point in my life, this was true to me. What I wrote, was what I honestly felt, and there was no need to be guilty here because no one was here to judge me.
I think being honest with our feelings and with ourselves is something that is difficult to do. There are so many posts and pages on here that are labelled ”private” because I don’t want people to know about them, and I never will have the courage to reveal them to people.
I think I struggle a lot with the notion of being truthful vs ‘trying not to offend anyone”. But if even in such a space, where I am at least, able to maintain SOME degree of anonymity, I cannot be honest, then how am I able to be completely truthful with myself?
I waited for someone to tell her.
It would be such a simple thing to do. But no one stepped forward. People couldn’t have possibly not noticed it because her bag was GAPING wide, laptop almost falling out, books haphazardly stacked…
I walked forward and told her her bag was unzipped and asked her if she needed help zipping it up. Why did no one else do the same?