I need more motivation in life.
I need something to push me more . Merely existing , and breathing is not enough for me. I hate having to go through the same routine everyday of going to work, of being fearful that I’ll get caught up in some big project that doesn’t allow me time to myself.
I start to get weary of the things I used to enjoy. I don’t look forward to anything , even if there’s something to look forward to. I hate trying to occupy my mind by mindlessly absorbing information. I get tired of producing writing that people will never get to see.
What is my motivation? How do I get hold of this drive? What do I get excited about?
Why is it everyday I feel stressed and anxious? Is it the mundane routine of the job? Isit the nature of the job? I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel content.
I am always anxious.
What is it that I need?
I don’t even look forward to anything.
I am, in the most simplest terms, not satisfied.
What will make me satisfied? Isit a new environment? A job? Fun on the weekends? Fulfillment in my personal life? More sleep? Volunteering?
I stopped wishing people happy birthday on Facebook a long time ago.
It was something I did so that people would remember mine. I ‘liked’ other people’s posts so that they would ‘like’ mine.
I was always expecting something back.
But I slowly became tired of trying to have hundreds and hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I got tired of trying to know everybody, or keep in touch with everybody. In reality, if these same people met with me on the street, would they even acknowledge me?
I started to surround myself with only the people I cared about. My circle of friends became smaller, the likes became lesser. I trusted less, but I loved more.
I freed myself up to devote my energy to the people that mattered. I learned to listen to the people I cared about and to focus on them and to support them in their dreams.
After all, what is the point of more ‘likes’? Does it make you a better person? Does it mean anything less, if you have less?
I found meaning, in being genuine to myself. I wanted to be a good friend and sister and daughter to the people that I knew well, than constantly trying to forge new friendships with people that I didn’t even have time to see.
Maybe some could do what I can’t. The more sociable, high energy individuals.
But when you get older, you’re like, fuck that.
I surround myself with the people I love, and who love me back. We give each other encouragement and little hearts. And that is all I will ever need ❤
I have decided to write about my year.
I have decided to just write, even if everything is all jumbled up in my head and it doesn’t even make sense here.
2018 – I have been doing the same things as I did last year. I am feeling first and foremost, anxious about my future. Anxious about the tasks I have to complete at work. Anxious about performing, and trying to achieve being a better person that I was in 2017.
I have allocated tasks to myself that have gone unfinished. And I feel frustrated because of that.
I have allocated these small ‘tasks’ to myself in the hope that they will help me become happier. I am trying to read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin but at this stage now it is still a “trying”. It has not become anything actionable.
I tell myself daily that I need to take charge of my life.
There is seemingly insurmountable obstacle ahead of me – a job which I do not feel deeply passionate about, one which seems to sap the energy off of me. I try so hard to understand and to be good, but it is requiring a lot of effort.
I don’t give up and I still persevere. But at the same time, the satisfaction in doing a job is just not there.
It is just a task, that I need to cross off so that I do not become overwhelmed by the other onslaught of tasks.
When will I have the courage to commit to something new?
Times like this I pray to God, hoping that he will help me.
I am trying to get back up on my feet.
Isn’t life like being in a kayak?
We push off from the shore, row against the tide, constantly battling the waves. There is no time to rest. The farther out you are, the harder it is to find less choppy waves and relax in still waters. The waters aren’t still anymore.
I see my next point, my next goal, but somehow it always seem so far and unobtainable. The process of getting there is tiring, and I am rowing, rowing, rowing, hoping that one day I’ll get close.
5am coffee stains, cerebral pains and a bottomless pit of doubt.
I dislike you sometimes.
You, with your sense of entitlement, your nose upturned at those less privileged, “working class” as you call them – not worth your time because they are less,
Like you were once, “less”.
And that “lessness” turned into something more but more was never enough because you still craved the love that passed you by.
You try to detach yourself from the pain in the past that still gives you nightmares and 3 o’clock tears, sobbing without a reason – attention-seeking, self deprecating, a desire for what you think would be better for you, an independence and freedom.
“If I cannot have this love, then at least I have this.”
Time and time again you waltz with strange men, seduce them with your eyes, ravage the ones that are pure and leave them struggling, embarrassed, defeated..yet they still want you, the salty vixen who gives them bad dreams and offers them a damaged soul they cannot ever heal.
Yet they try.
And you just gulp them down like vodka, salt on the shot glass until they know nothing more.
I had the opportunity to go out to the morning market with my parents today. It is something that I have not done in a long time.
Somehow the array of vegetables on display seem to be of brighter colours than usual. I notice how there wasn’t a single “young” person my age around, supposedly because they would all be in their offices working, or in meetings. They were all old people, retirees, or people with more flexible work schedules. I wonder why it has to be this way.
The reason why I am able to go out like this, today, on a weekday is because I am on medical leave. But somehow, even when I am meant to be sleeping, I cannot sleep. Too many things are weighing on my mind, especially that of work. I was at the point of exhaustion yesterday, too tired to think, too tired to be proactive at all. There was just an overwhelming amount of work. I have never felt so frustrated in a long time.
I switched off the WIFI on my phone, but I am continually worried of what I will be faced with when I switch it on again. An onslew of messages, hundreds and thousands of them? Sure the project will still carry on without my presence, but the world feels too constrained and small at this moment in time, it feels like the weight of it all is crushing down on my shoulders.
I think it’s time to do some serious reflection on my life and prioritise what needs to be done.