Reading through my old blog posts and wondering if some of my posts are considered offensive to some people. Of course some posts were written in a fit of anger, or disappointment. I may not necessarily feel the same way now, but if you think about it, at one point in time, at one point in my life, this was true to me. What I wrote, was what I honestly felt, and there was no need to be guilty here because no one was here to judge me.
I think being honest with our feelings and with ourselves is something that is difficult to do. There are so many posts and pages on here that are labelled ”private” because I don’t want people to know about them, and I never will have the courage to reveal them to people.
I think I struggle a lot with the notion of being truthful vs ‘trying not to offend anyone”. But if even in such a space, where I am at least, able to maintain SOME degree of anonymity, I cannot be honest, then how am I able to be completely truthful with myself?
I waited for someone to tell her.
It would be such a simple thing to do. But no one stepped forward. People couldn’t have possibly not noticed it because her bag was GAPING wide, laptop almost falling out, books haphazardly stacked…
I walked forward and told her her bag was unzipped and asked her if she needed help zipping it up. Why did no one else do the same?
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at work. It isn’t that the tasks that I am allocated are too hard, but I loathe how structured working life is. I am surrounded by (from what I perceive to be) workaholics and frankly, I rarely have any fun at work. The work is interesting, but the people are not. I want more young people in my life, people who I can have fun with. But I guess that’s not happening at the moment.
I am not sure if its just me that is unable to clique with them, or because one is not supposed to have too much fun at work. I feel sad and bored and lonely all the time. I don’t feel anything, no sense of joy or accomplishment. Every morning I worry about the clothes I have to wear to go to work, and whether I look nice. It feels like junior college all over again. But now I don’t have university to look forward to, so what do I look forward to if I have anything to look forward to at all?
I am fearful that i complain too much to my friends, or rather I am not the number one person they would turn to if they wanted to speak to me about something, or if they wanted to meet up, or if they wanted to have fun . I hate that everyone seems to be going on with their lives and I am not needed anymore. I am just someone who was left behind.
And me being tired is the worse thing. I feel tired ALL the freaking time. I have to sleep 2 hours after I get back else I’d feel like crap the next day. Then what is left of my day? Nothing.
I would say that if you want to know someone, you just have to take a look through their computer . You look through their browsing history, the files they keep, the pictures, the music albums, the wallpaper, and you’d more or less be able to decipher the type of person they are. I feel sad that so much of my life that I’ve placed in this computer is now gone. Perhaps it was my mistake for being so clumsy or my lack of affiliation with technology that resulted in this rather unfortunate incident.
I have always had this vision in my head of me, as an old grandmother, showing my children and grandchildren pictures of my youth. I would be so glad that pictures could be so easily uploaded online and shared. It is of course, one of my biggest fears that the internet would one day be completely wiped out and I would have nothing left, because I was so reliant on technology and I would not even have a physical memory of what had been.
I don’t know why I’m writing this here, but at this point in time, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel worry, I don’t feel a yearning for travel, I don’t feel anything. I admit, it is kind of strange. I think it’s strange, although I cannot feel it…that I am okay with just existing.
What is worse than feeling a sense of having underachieved?
It is the feeling of nothing at all. It’s a bit difficult to describe the feeling of feeling nothing. Somehow, I seem to have lost the will to do anything at all. Nothing excites me. I don’t feel sad, or happy, or hungry. I sit and watch videos in my bed the whole day.
Where are my goals? Where is my motivation? I have no motivation, and no feelings.
Where do I go from here?
I think I finally got what I wanted. And I try to reach out to everybody else, but I don’t think they hear me.